issssues
I'm having a slightly angst-y time tonight. Trying to fit back in to the old routine and the old scene has brought up a lot of self-doubt and fear.
First off, I'm old. Officially. If you don't know which birthday I just celebrated then I won't tell you. Now I'm the oldest one in a couple of circles of friends, and it's a bit of a tough shift. I certainly don't feel old, I have about the same certainty of my future I had when I was 16. Less even. Unfortunately the fact remains. I found a couple of pictures tonight that were taken 3 years ago. I look different. I can see the age on my face in the mirror now, and it's only been 3 years!
It occurred to me tonight that my dad was the age I am now when I was born. That's kind of disturbing. In theory, doesn't that mean I should have my shit together enough to support 2 other people? I can barely take care of myself, and my dismal financial picture certainly wouldn't hold up to any further burden than my own broke ass.
All that said, I do have a job interview tomorrow. The job pays $40K a year, but I'd most likely be paying for it myself, in aggravation and limited chances to design outside of it. It worries me that I am scared of getting the job, as well as passing up the opportunity. Maybe it's a moot point....they may not offer it to me.
For the first time in quite a while I'm feeling lonely. It's not even rational, really, because I know there are people around to hang out with. It's just that when I'm left alone in my apartment I begin to feel depressed, and kind of scared, really. I don't know why this is.
The personal life is still a little out of whack - I have yet to make contact with the girl I was going out with for a brief time this spring, when my emotional compass couldn't find north and was spinning pretty wildly. I'm told by others that she's doing all right, which makes me happy. I have a hard time reconciling my feelings about our relationship; I don't think it was wrong of us to try, but I wrecked a longstanding friendship and that's something I regret every day. The last conversation I had with her (actually she delivered something of a monologue to me and then quicky left the scene) ended with her saying "have a nice life". Literally, that's what she said. I can't believe my actions could cause a reaction like that. But I have to believe I guess, because it's happened before. More than once. I never thought of myself as a bad guy, you know? Guess you never can tell.
Enough of this. I have to take stock of the things I've been avoiding so I can make things right, now and in the future right? Older, yes. Wiser? I doubt it, but the experiences add up to something of a better picture of me. Just have to keep looking...
First off, I'm old. Officially. If you don't know which birthday I just celebrated then I won't tell you. Now I'm the oldest one in a couple of circles of friends, and it's a bit of a tough shift. I certainly don't feel old, I have about the same certainty of my future I had when I was 16. Less even. Unfortunately the fact remains. I found a couple of pictures tonight that were taken 3 years ago. I look different. I can see the age on my face in the mirror now, and it's only been 3 years!
It occurred to me tonight that my dad was the age I am now when I was born. That's kind of disturbing. In theory, doesn't that mean I should have my shit together enough to support 2 other people? I can barely take care of myself, and my dismal financial picture certainly wouldn't hold up to any further burden than my own broke ass.
All that said, I do have a job interview tomorrow. The job pays $40K a year, but I'd most likely be paying for it myself, in aggravation and limited chances to design outside of it. It worries me that I am scared of getting the job, as well as passing up the opportunity. Maybe it's a moot point....they may not offer it to me.
For the first time in quite a while I'm feeling lonely. It's not even rational, really, because I know there are people around to hang out with. It's just that when I'm left alone in my apartment I begin to feel depressed, and kind of scared, really. I don't know why this is.
The personal life is still a little out of whack - I have yet to make contact with the girl I was going out with for a brief time this spring, when my emotional compass couldn't find north and was spinning pretty wildly. I'm told by others that she's doing all right, which makes me happy. I have a hard time reconciling my feelings about our relationship; I don't think it was wrong of us to try, but I wrecked a longstanding friendship and that's something I regret every day. The last conversation I had with her (actually she delivered something of a monologue to me and then quicky left the scene) ended with her saying "have a nice life". Literally, that's what she said. I can't believe my actions could cause a reaction like that. But I have to believe I guess, because it's happened before. More than once. I never thought of myself as a bad guy, you know? Guess you never can tell.
Enough of this. I have to take stock of the things I've been avoiding so I can make things right, now and in the future right? Older, yes. Wiser? I doubt it, but the experiences add up to something of a better picture of me. Just have to keep looking...
posted by Mike at 12:34 AM
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