all your scribbled lovedreams are lost or thrown away
This is going to be a bit random, so bear with me.
It's been a bit of a rocky road recently. Caitlin's run off to Europe, and won't be back in NYC for a while because she's teaching in PA right afterwards. I think we have a shot at being friends, I'm glad about that, but it's still very odd to not have her here.
I had been talking with the Shrink about the fact that I haven't been single in a long time - a very long time. I guess the last time I wasn't dating someone was the summer of Grade 12. I was joking that relationships were like an addiction for me, but maybe that wasn't a joke. I feel like a part of me is missing: The part that I have by sharing myself with someone else.
After Caitlin left, I fell into a brief romance with a girl I had recently met. I knew that I was 'on the rebound,' and she knew as well...it was clearly a bad idea because I hadn't come to terms with anything about my relationship with Caitlin ending. The frightening thing was that I think it could have easily become a more serious relationship, and a part of me really really wanted that (maybe still wants that) despite my better judgment. But I stepped back, and she found someone else, which I guess says something...
I'm living alone for the first time in my life. When I was looking for an apartment I knew this was what I wanted, but now it's a little scary. I mean, I could be really solitary if I let myself. But I clearly don't want that. So I think the biggest problem I'm having now is loneliness. Or maybe it's really independence: I'm used to being alone, but not used to being on my own - does that make sense? I've managed to find some new groups of people to hang out with, but it all seems superficial compared to the intensity of a relationship.
How odd to find myself here. I never would have thought anything like this would happen. But it's also exciting, in the way that being in a car accident is kind of exciting once it's over and you know you're more-or-less okay. Who knows what will happen next?
I'm really looking forward to going back to Vancouver in July. Being back there will, I hope, help ground me a little. I'm really excited to see everyone after a year away, and to be back in the place I call home.
It's been a bit of a rocky road recently. Caitlin's run off to Europe, and won't be back in NYC for a while because she's teaching in PA right afterwards. I think we have a shot at being friends, I'm glad about that, but it's still very odd to not have her here.
I had been talking with the Shrink about the fact that I haven't been single in a long time - a very long time. I guess the last time I wasn't dating someone was the summer of Grade 12. I was joking that relationships were like an addiction for me, but maybe that wasn't a joke. I feel like a part of me is missing: The part that I have by sharing myself with someone else.
After Caitlin left, I fell into a brief romance with a girl I had recently met. I knew that I was 'on the rebound,' and she knew as well...it was clearly a bad idea because I hadn't come to terms with anything about my relationship with Caitlin ending. The frightening thing was that I think it could have easily become a more serious relationship, and a part of me really really wanted that (maybe still wants that) despite my better judgment. But I stepped back, and she found someone else, which I guess says something...
I'm living alone for the first time in my life. When I was looking for an apartment I knew this was what I wanted, but now it's a little scary. I mean, I could be really solitary if I let myself. But I clearly don't want that. So I think the biggest problem I'm having now is loneliness. Or maybe it's really independence: I'm used to being alone, but not used to being on my own - does that make sense? I've managed to find some new groups of people to hang out with, but it all seems superficial compared to the intensity of a relationship.
How odd to find myself here. I never would have thought anything like this would happen. But it's also exciting, in the way that being in a car accident is kind of exciting once it's over and you know you're more-or-less okay. Who knows what will happen next?
I'm really looking forward to going back to Vancouver in July. Being back there will, I hope, help ground me a little. I'm really excited to see everyone after a year away, and to be back in the place I call home.
posted by Mike at 11:27 AM
3 Comments:
Thanks for writing- I don't have any good thoughts about it... just to say that it's okay to be sad, it's okay to be angry; really it's okay to be anything you are!
If you are looking for something to do, try adult sports. My favorite is kickball. It may sound lame- but it's something social to do, and I am rapidly gaining great new friends.
hmm, I think I would have to get back into some semblance of shape in order to even participate in kickball... But it's a good thought! I've actually joined a book club, which is a little more my speed these days (plus it makes me to read some modern fiction, which for some reason I never read), and I've met some nice folks through that.
I guess I'm not really feeling sad or angry, just kind of weightless. I think the car accident analogy is a good one: I feel like I just went through something traumatic and am happy to have survived it, but there's still some residual feeling there.
But really the big hurdle is being here now without a close partner. I know I need time on my own, but it's frightening (and I know it is for Caitlin too, she made the choice to be on her own, which is really brave of her). I'm just trying to keep perspective and not lose it.
Oh and thinking of losing it: I guess I'm still a bit emotionally fragile, because apparently I can't read depressing books right now. I just read this one by Tao Lin for the book club and it put me in a funk for days.
on re-reading that last comment I should probably clarify: The breakup was the traumatic event I was talking about, not anything else. I wasn't by any means referring to my relationship with Caitlin as traumatic - our relationship, and this last year in particular, was the happiest time of my life. I don't know if I even needed to write that, but just in case there was any misunderstanding...
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