on leaving home...again

I'm sitting in the Calgary international terminal, waiting for my flight to board. On out flight into Calgary we were delayed by a thunderstorm over the city, which we were able to watch from the air - an incredible experience, which was followed by one of the most amazing sunsets I've ever seen. Of course I'd stowed my camera up above, so I couldn't document either of these, grrr. I guess it will have to live on in my memory alone, unless I get much better at painting. I keep meaning to draw and paint, and somehow never get to it. Perhaps that's reason for a summertime resolution.

I think coming back home was good, but it was even harder to leave this time. I guess now that I'm able to assess a lot of the pros and cons of NYC and Vancouver, it's frustrating to leave the city I think I took too much for granted while I was here. You Vancouverites are so lucky, I hope you remember that every day.

That's not to say I'm not excited about heading back to "The City," but I guess I just want to be able to take the parts of Vancouver I love (mountains, clean air, general courtesy) and meld it with New York's finer points (enormous arts scene, incredible fine arts and research resources, 24 hour transit and restaurants).

I already miss how comfortable I feel in Vancouver, and how safe I feel even in the "bad" parts of town. I worry that Vancouver may turn into a big dirty city like the one I'm heading to while I'm away, and while I don't think it's terribly rational it's still a worry.

I felt so apprehensive when I made this trip last year, and now all I feel is a sort of anticipation that's almost devoid of emotion. I guess it's an excitement but not a raw feeling, and maybe that's because I don't know really what to feel when I arrive. What is waiting for me there? Last year it was a new city with many many unknowns, a new life, and a person I cared really deeply about. Now it's a long subway ride, an apartment, a job that starts up again on Tuesday and another year of intense work. And a whole new perspective. Perhaps the way I'm feeling is a defense mechanism: I'm trying not to let my feelings for home get to me. That's probably true, but I wish I could reconcile that, so I could move on. I guess that I admittedly have given myself a very short time to do that - I suppose I know that if I wait it will all fade.

I took some pictures of home; I hadn't realised how few pictures I'd taken before I left. I'll try to post some soon. And, funnily enough, need to remind myself to take more pictures of my new home when I get back.

Something more wistful and fond will follow, don't worry. :)